Things better not said - our best

The astronaut found out I’ve been sleeping with his wife and he called me from the space station and yelled…
“I HOPE YOU CAN UNDERSTAND THE GRAVITY OF THIS SITUATION SAM!” Phew, thankfully sounds like it wasn’t a big deal to him.

Bathroom Scale
This morning I weight myself. My wife heard the thump that is needed to turn on the digital scale. She asked, "How much do you weigh? " I replied, "5th amendment"

Why did Gwyneth Paltrow go skiing?
She just wanted another smash hit!

What did the fire fighter say when the brothel was burning down?
>! We are gonna need more hose~ !<

Why did the chicken lay its egg on the mountain?
It wanted to make an egg-roll.

Why is it so hard to play rugby in Russia?
If you say the put-in isn’t straight, you get arrested.

Nebula?
Nah, dem hoes acting nebulous

How do we know that Jesus was Jewish?
He was told he was the Son of God, by his Mother who had him convinced she was a virgin.

“Hey, do you care if I punch myself in the face?” “No, not at all…
…knock yourself out.”

There’s a new hotel in town that features glory holes but you’d never know from the name.
The Walnut Inn

What is the holiest city in the United States of America?
Toledo

Last year, I made a documentary about how whales make splashes.
It was a flop.

A wise man once said
“Suck my tongue”