Things better not said - our best
... Jokes ...Swimming contest
Joe and Jim were at the lake. Joe said, “Let’s have a swimming contest.” Jim said, “No way, you know you’ll win. You’re twice as fast as me.”
Joe said, “Well, how about if you take the canoe across while I swim? Will you race then?”
“Okay, we can do that,” Jim said, and across the lake they went. Joe was freestyle swimming and Jim was rowing in the canoe.
But about halfway across, Joe realized the water was only about two feet deep. It didn’t make since for him to swim, so he began walking with his knees bent the rest of the way across, just his head out of the water. Jim was still right beside him in the canoe.
Just then, an officer with the Department of Natural Resources came roaring up beside them, his blue lights flashing. Jim and Joe both stopped.
“Is there a problem, Officer?” Joe asked.
“You better believe there is,” the officer said. “You boys can’t be having a race where one of you is rowing a canoe and the other is doggy paddling!”
“Why not?” said Jim.
“Didn’t you hear?” the officer replied. “Roe Vs. Wade is no longer legal!”
A Sith, a Jedi, and a Mandalorian walk into a bar...
They start talking and after a few drinks the conversation shifts to cars. The Jedi living a life of austerity and frugality only has a 1991 Camry. The Sith and Mando laughs at him saying he has a Bad Car.
The Sith having manipulated others into giving him their wealth shows off his McClaren F1. The patrons at the bar are amazed and even the Jedi has to admit it’s a nice ride. They both end up saying it’s a Good Car.
The Mandalorian walks around the corner and after a few minutes comes screaming back on his jet pack and blows up the other cars. He has the Beskar.
What do you call a person who is really fast at altering clothes?
Tailor Swift
What do you call Ted Cruz’s Green Eggs and Ham filibuster if it came from George Santos?
Drag Queen story hour.
My girlfriend did a lie detector test.
"According to the results," said the conductor, "your girlfriend has been unfaithful."
I paused for a moment, then said, "Just how reliable are these results?"
"Extremely," he replied. "She gave me a blowjob in the car park earlier."
A cowboy rode to town on Friday. He stayed three days and then left on Friday. How did he do it?
The horses name was Friday
I was arguing with a guy at a bar who said he was a big rock star in the 80’s
I didn’t believe him, but he was Adamant.
My 9 year old daughter made up this joke. "Why did the bull get fat?"
Because he ate too many cowleries.
I went to the doctor and they swabbed my throat and sent to the lab but then decided to not do it…
I’m so tired of “cancel culture.”
My asshole of a boss just yelled at me in front of everyone for eating chips at work.
“John, you’re a fucking croupier!”