Things better not said - our best

Ever heard of bob
He

Sir, could I interest you in a Pamphlet?
Sure Bro, I mean.... Brochure!

What did the flea say to the other flea ?
We should flee

Lou came home to his wife from scaffolding at a skyscraper
Wife: “hi honey! How was your day?” Lou: “well not so good, you remember Doug, Johnny and Carl?” Wife: “why yes, from the last company retreat, your work buddies” Lou: “yes, so today we were all working on a scaffold several hundred feet in the air and just after I left them to go to the bathroom the scaffold snapped and they all fell to their deaths” Wife: “ohh nooo dear that’s horrible!! Poor wives to be widows at such a young age! Lou: “yes it’s horrible but at least the company has agreed to pay them a 500,000$ settlement to each widow” Wife: “oh for fuck’s sake of all the hours on your fucking shift you picked a helluva time to go take a piss! You worthless piece of shit!”

A pimp gave a recruitment talk that scared me into becoming a prostitute.
His presentation was whore-ifying.

Why did she refuse to swallow his cum?
Because she is a vegan

Thought For The Day....
**Are old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs simply retired mermaids?**

Yo momma
Yo momma so fat and stoopid, she thought Bruno Mars was a new type of mars bar.

My wife told me I have no sense of direction.
Where is this coming from?

A friend of mine and I were both born on 4/20.
We always have a joint birthday party.

What language do male teabags speak?
Hebrew

What is the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?
You can’t hear a vitamin.

Did I tell you the joke about the Paper?
It’s tearable.