Things better not said - our best

3 monks were walking in the wild.
They were walking happily when all of a sudden, a big scary lion came out of nowhere and considered the monks there next meal. Terrified, the monks ran! The angry lion ran after them! As they ran they cried out "Oh please God convert this lion to be a Christian lion!" They saw the lion gaining on them from a far and cried louder! Eventually they came to a cliff and the lion had them almost cornered. Yet even louder they cried! "PLEASE OH LORD HEAR OUR PRAYER AND CONVERT THIS LION TO CHRISTIANITY!" The lion approached the monks slowly. For the last time the monks cried out loud "OH LORD HEAR US!" Suddenly the lion changes to a grateful expression and stop walking torwards them. The monks rejoice and praise God. The lion kneels down, puts his paws together and says: "Bless us, Oh Lord, and these thy gifts which we are about to receive from thy bounty, through Christ, Our Lord. Amen."

I got a voting booth to decorate my house today
it really polls the room together

There was a violinist with only one arm…
…he played by ear.

What did the boy who just lost his virginity tell him mom
Look ma no hands

My doctor told me I had Alzheimer’s
I don’t remember asking

What do you call a fault that rises up back to its position
Default

What did the vegan zombie say?
Ggggrrrrraaaiiiinnnnssssss

Did you hear about the guy who decided to explore his sadness fetish?
A decision he would come to regret

What did Mr. A say after be found out Mr. B slept with his wife?
“C what I mean, I knew I couldn’t trust B… He gave her the D!”

What does David Goggins and Viagra have in common?
They both want you to STAY HARD!

A guy proposed to his girl at the gym and She said yes.
Both are good examples of working out.

What do dentists, historians and prostitutes have in common?
Oral history.

My dad used to say you can’t just spill a glass of ink on a piece of paper and have an essay
My dad was a bit of a slob