Things better not said - our best

If a tree falls in a forest and only a mime is around, does it make a sound?
No, because the mime is surrounded by double-thickness glazed glass panels.

So the other day I’m walking home from work.
I come across a homeless man with his cock stuck in a sewer drain. A firefighter shows up and starts mutilating him with an axe then eats seven dead fetuses. I thought, “wow”

Is buttcheeks one word?
Or should you spread them apart?

There was a murder in the chicken coop
Authorities suspect fowl play.

I was telling this gal at a bar that my dick was in the Guiness Book of World Records once
She stopped being interested when I got to the part of the librarian demanding me to leave

What did the T.Rex say to Jesus while he was tending his flock?
Shepard

Is anyone behaving badly just to get coal in their stocking...
... so they can heat their house?

A blind man, a deaf man, and a mute man like a woman
The blind man, to impress her, says: "If I could see anything, I wish I could see your face." The deaf man says: "If I could hear anything, I wish I could hear your voice." The mute man says:

I have no sex appeal; if my wife didn’t toss and turn,
we’d never have had the kid.

What type of wine do traders drink?
ImPORT/ ExPORT

What do you call fruit playing the guitar?
A jam session.

Late one night, Jack takes a shortcut through a cemetery.
Hearing a tapping sound he becomes scared and quickens his pace. The tapping gets louder and Jack is now scared out of his wits. Then he notices a man chiselling a tombstone. "Thank goodness!" Jack says to the man. "You gave me a fright of my life. Why are you working so late?" "They spelt my name wrong."

What was the one-legged man doing at the ATM?
Checking his balance.