Things better not said - our best
... Jokes ...How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce "unionized".
How does a self obsessed woman with god complex masturbate?
Narcissors
Why did the producer of Dirty Jobs get fired?
He was a Mike Rowe manager.
A junkie broke into the local linguistics department
They were looking for morpheme
I needed socks for outdoors winter.
I thought I would need two layers.
So I bought two *pairs...*
​
Read my username.
Ever year after Thanksgiving, I give up all my bad habits.
I can do it, because I have lots of cold turkey.
A police officer was on patrol at night and saw two men fighting in the middle of the street…
He flashed his police lights, hopped out the car and pulled the two men apart. He cuffed them both and sat them apart from each other on the sidewalk.
“Tell me what’s going on here?” The policeman asked the first man.
“Well,” the first man sighed, “It all started a few nights ago when I thought my girlfriend was cheating on me. I came round to her place to surprise her and found her watching a movie with two suspiciously empty pizza boxes next to her. She said she was just hungry, but who the hell orders two large pizzas to themselves?”
“An interesting point,” the policeman agreed, nodding.
“Anyway,” the first man continued, “I decided to stake out her house. So I’m waiting here out in the street, watching to see if anyone goes into that pink house on the other side of the road. I have my mate at the pizza shop deliver me a pizza while I wait. Everything’s quiet and I’m just about to start eating my pizza. Until I see that dickhead over there come creeping around the side of the house.”
“That man over there?” The policeman asked.
“Yes! So naturally I confronted him and he denied seeing my girl. Next thing you know we’re in the middle of a brawl and then you arrive.”
The policeman thought for a moment, then undid the cuffs.
“Here’s the deal, you give me your pizza and I’ll let you drive away with a warning.”
The first man nodded grumpily, hopped in his car and drove off.
The policeman placed the pizza in his car and then walked over to the second man.
“That guy says you were cheating on his girlfriend,” the policeman stated.
“How dare he insult my honour like that!” The second man roared.
“So what were you doing?” The policeman asked.
“….trying to rob the place.” The second man mumbled, “but I couldn’t get in!”
“That’s hardly any better,” the policeman replied.
“The windows were locked up tight, so I decided to give up. Next thing I know some guy is screaming at me, saying I’m having a thing with his girl. We ended up in a fight. Then you turn up.”
“Empty your pockets,” the policeman said.
The second man pulled out a pair of diamond earrings from another house he had robbed.
“I’ll take those,” the policeman said, “But because I’m in a good mood, I’ll let you go.”
The second man couldn’t believe his luck. He skipped away down the street.
Suddenly, the lights at the front of the pink house turned on. A woman came marching out,
“What the hell is going on out here officer?!”
The policeman turned around,
“Nothing beautiful, I’ve got you a pizza and some new earrings.”
It was quite breezy yesterday
I know it was Sunday, but it felt like a Winds-day
A teacher is teaching his class when he notices a student fooling around with a metre stick.
He tells the kid to stop, as it’s distracting. The kid does.
A few minutes later, the kid is tapping his desk with the same metre stick. The teacher tells him to stop, so he does.
Later in the class, the kid is poking his classmates with the metre stick. Once again, the teacher tells him to stop.
Finally, when the kid starts poking the teacher with the metre stick, the teacher’s had enough. He takes the metre stick from the kid and begins chastising him.
“That’s it, I’ve had enough of your disruptions!” he yells. “What are you even measuring with that?!”
The kid looks up at him.
“Your patience, sir.”
I was thinking of making a chemistry joke
But I was unable to find a base
I went to the toilet
Tried to shit but only farted
Now I sit here sad and broken hearted