Things better not said - our best
... Jokes ...Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...
There would be mass confusion.
" I lost 75 OVERNIGHT because of this ONE SIMPLE TRICK! ."
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are walking in a field
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are walking in a field. Watson sees a tree out in the distance.
"Say Sherlock is that an apple tree" says Watson
"No" says Sherlock
"Then is it a pear tree"
"No it is not"
"Then what is it"
"A lemon tree, my dear watson".
Another talking animal joke…
A farmer is sitting on his porch when a man in a suit and tie walks up to the door.
Man: “Could I speak to your dog?”
Farmer: “Dogs don’t talk, stranger, but go ahead.”
The man turns to the dog and asks him how he likes the farm.
Dog: “I love it here! My owner gives me lots of treats and plays with me.”
The farmer is stunned, and he wipes his brow.
Man: “Farmer, can I speak to your cow?”
Farmer: “W-well, cows don’t speak but go ahead.”
The man walks up to the cow and asks her how she likes the farm.
Cow: “It’s lovely here. I get sunshine and all the grass I could possibly eat.”
By now, the farmer is trembling and sweating heavily.
Man: “Farmer, can I speak to your sheep?”
Farmer: “NO! WHATEVER THAT SHEEP SAYS IS A GODDAMN LIE!”
Did you know about the deaf shepherd who gathered his flock and herd?
What about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?
Free speech was invented in 1985
Because the year before was literally 1984.
Can everyone in this sub please brighten my day up a bit? My parrot died last night.
His last words were "Oh fuck, I think my parrot is dying!"
I asked my friend if he ever got caught jerking off in the trunk of a car. He said, "Never!"
"I know!" I said, "they never think to look there."
I can’t think of a single good thing to post on my cake day.
I guess I’ll just have to dessert my karma farming plans.
swimmimg regularly is great for exercise
The trick is to swim like a dolphin - playfully but with a sense of porpoise.
Doctor told me the bad news: I only have 3 more years if I keep eating donuts and burgers...
But if I switch to healthy food I should have another 25 years.
The good news is the donut stand on the corner is guaranteed business for another three years!
My wife filed for divorce because I am a weather reporter.
That was not what I predicted