Things better not said - our best

Retirement.
My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out. What used to be my sex appeal, is now my water spout. Time was when, of its own accords, from my trousers it would spring, but now I have a full-time job, just to find the blasted thing. It used to be embarrassing, the way it would behave. For every single morning, it would stand and watch me shave. But now as old age approaches, it sure gives me the blues. To see it hang its withered head, and watch me tie my shoes.

Why don’t scientists trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!

Yo mamma so poor
When she lit a match, the ants crawled out singing "clap your hands and stomp your feet, praise the Lord cause we got heat".

I have a complicated rocky relationship with my cancer doctor
I call him my off-and-oncologist

I met my favourite wrestler the other day.
And his name is !

A man and a woman are on the game show “Password”…
The password is “horsecock” Panicked, the guy starts to look around, trying to figure out how to describe this word to this poor woman. “How are they even using this filthy word on TV!?” Realizing he has to say SOMETHING, he starts: Man: “Um, it’s big…” Woman: “Hmm, will it fit in my mouth?” Man: “oh…uhm…well, maybe?” Woman: “Is it horsecock?”

What happens to printers that perform miracles?
They get Canonized.

Iraqi Player plays for Detroit Lions
The Coach of the Detroit Lions had put together the perfect football team. But then his quarterback got blindsided and was out for the season with a knee injury. Then his backup went down with a concussion. He tried the trading route, free agents, but nobody any good was available. One evening while watching the news from Iraq, he saw a young Iraqi soldier with an amazing arm. The soldier rifled a grenade on a perfect arc into a 4th story window from 100 yards, bam! He tossed another directly into a tight group of 12 enemy fighters 80 yards away, ka-bam! Then a humvee passed, going 60 kph, boom! Another perfect shot! Coach said to himself, “I got to have this guy. He’s got the best arm I’ve ever seen!” He tracks him down and convinces him to come to Detroit. The kid takes coaching perfectly, makes all the plays, and long story short, the Lions win the Super Bowl. The Iraqi is now the Conquering Hero in pro football, and a huge story. But when the broadcast team tries to interview him, all he wants is to phone his mom. “Mother,” he yells over the phone, “We just won the Super Bowl!” “Don’t talk to me,” the woman says. “You abandoned us. You can’t be my son.” The young Iraqi begs, “Mom, you don’t understand! Our team won the biggest game here in the U.S. Thousands of fans are screaming for me. The U.S. President is going to call me!” “I don’t care,” his mother snaps. “Right now I can hear gunshots everywhere. Our block is like a ruin. Your brothers were beaten half to death last night, and your sister was nearly raped.” Then she says, "I can never forgive you for making us move to Detroit.

What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
You can unscrew a lightbulb

Why do magicians masturbate in the forest?
It’s classic mist erection

Did you hear about the guy who refused to talk to people who have less than 10 toes?
It’s because he’s lack toes intolerant.

I just saw a condom fly across the room
Seemed to be pissed off.

A young boy asks his Grandfather, a farmer, to explain to him how sex works
so the Grandfather starts to explain: "First you get up and feed the animals, milk the cows, clean the stables, collect the eggs, and then you go and plow the fields, maintain the farm equpiment, cut wood,..." "But Grandpa that doesnt sound like sex." "Maybe, but thats how I have been fucked all my life."