Things better not said - our best

A priest and a nun were secretly having an affair...
For several months, the priest kept begging her to try the other hole and she finally relented. Unfortunately,she got pregnant!!

RIP Gordon Moore of Intel and “Moore’s Law.”
Although I feel like the number of maggots on his corpse will double every two years.

I was in the supermarket with the wife today when completely out of the blue she said "You know something? You really are a lazy bastard!"
I was so shocked I nearly fell out of the trolley.

I finally crossed running a marathon off my bucket list
No chance I was ever going to do it, glad it’s gone.

King: How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?
Squire: 384 my liege King: Ok, round them up Squire: 400 my liege

Why are all exorcists alcoholics?
Because they can’t handle their spirits.

What is Jesus’ favorite kind of exercise?
Crossfit

What does my girlfriend like to listen during her periods?
Spotify

My last girlfriend choked to death.
It was a terrible blow.

What’s one unique thing about Trump’s appearance in NYC this week?
It’s the only circus where an elephant is also the clown.

Did you know that multiplication used to be represented by an e instead of an *
The only reason why they changed it was because of s*x.

A molecule tells another:
“A free electron once stripped me of an electron after he lepton me. You gotta keep your ion them!”

A priest and an atheist are golfing together…
From the tee, the atheist is playing a great game. He’s already under par and has a clear easy put for the first hole. He takes his shot and misses. “Damn! Missed the bugger!” The priest is taken aback by the language, but lets it slide. At the next hole, again the atheist is set up for an easy shot but again he misses it and cries “Damn! Missed the bugger!” The priest winced at the language and says to his friend “God will strike you down if you do not hold your tongue, my friend.” The atheist is unimpressed. At the third hole, the same thing happens yet again; it’s an easy shot but the atheist misses. Once again he exclaims “Damn! Missed the bugger!” Before the priest can issue another warning, the skies darken, thunder roars and lightning strikes the… priest dead! God, on his cloud, says “Damn! Missed the bugger!” Edit: I remember hearing a joke similar to this at school in the 90s. Probably been warped by my memory in the last 30 years. Very tame but 11 year old me thought it was so rude and edgy!