Things better not said - our best

Why does Paris have so many avenues?
Because the germans prefer to march in shade.

Doubtful German police press release
In 2020, German police announced that they had to fire shots at people a total of 62 times throughout 2019. However, the U.S. Ambassador to Germany doubted these figures, as he did not believe that there have been only two traffic stops in the entire year in the whole of Germany.

What would Martin Luther King JR be if he was white?
Alive.

I shoved a woman at the bank I work at
She asked me to check her balance

Why are bacteria so bad at math?
Because they multiply by dividing.

BREAKING: Willie Nelson dead at 89.
It appears he was playing on the road again.

A man named Vival gets lost in the woods
A man with the second name Vival gets lost in the woods for 10 years. Many presumed him to be dead until he was found again alive and well he was surrounded by reporters asking the same question “Vival mister how did you survive?” He responded, “ahh well my knightly title kept my spirits up for I am, Sir Vival”

How does a non binary Samurai finish their enemy ?
They slash Them

What kind of car does Jesus drive?
A Chrysler

I’m not a vegetarian because I love animals.
I’m a veterinarian because I hate plants.

I think my cat is a quantum physicist
He sees everything as strings.

Why did Sweeney Todd’s wife have such a hard time keeping her restaurant staffed?
Employee turnover.

What are battle rappers known for?
Their diss abilities.