Things better not said - our best
... Jokes ...How do you know a gold prospector is non-binary?
He says that there is gold in them/their hills
If the stork is the bird that delivers babies, what is the bird that prevents pregnancy?
The swallow.
My dad always says, “Don’t spend too much money on expensive headphones.”
That’s….sound advice.
I’m doing pretty well financially these days.
My bank just said my debt is outstanding!
Just caught
Just caught my wife masturbating with a carrot. I thought “I can’t believe I was going to eat that later
Now it’s going to taste of carrots.
A Jewish mother was discussing with her son …
… his plans for the future.
“Well, mom, he says I’ve been thinking long and hard about it and I think I want to pursue a career as a comedian.
With no hesitation whatsoever the mother replied, “You can’t do that!”
Seeing as his mother was generally very supportive of his pursuits the son is taken aback and asks, “Why ever not?”
“Because you’ll be standing in front of a large crowd on a regular basis.”
Slightly exasperated the son replies, “Mom, I’ve been in front of large crowds before, I took drama in high school and was lead in the play, I don’t get stage fright.”
“I know,” his mother stated, “but this is different, they’re all gonna laugh at you.”
Old joke, but another one reminded me of it. To be honest all I really remember is Jewish mother and they’re all gonna laugh at you so hopefully it still works as presented.
I like to go around to construction sites and give out handjobs.
A Jack off all trades.
One Christmas, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus saying, “Please send me a sister.”
Santa Claus wrote him back, “OK, please send me your mother.”
Remember: Licking the knife is acceptable after cutting something like cake
Not after surgery