Things better not said - our best
... Jokes ...What did the Ukrainian soldier say to the Russian truck driver stuck in traffic at the port?
Aw, Crimea river!
What do u call the people who fell in love with Dahmer post conviction?
Dumb and Dahmer
Reading The Writing On The Wall...
I used to spend long hours working on my "rubbing-up-against-strangers-in-public" technique...
...until I got my *new* pair of glasses and re-read that motivational poster on the break-room wall.
So, my bad... it turns out it does *not* say : "Practice Makes Pervert"
I lost my pizza cutter so I tried to use an old Rod Stewart CD instead.
It worked all right at first, but the plastic edge got dull right away. The first cut was the deepest.
2 people tell jokes to a crowd, but 1 is way funnier...for some reason...
The first person stepped up to the mic.
"Why is Tuesday the worst day of the week? Because after it, even the Calendar says W T F!"
The crowd mumbled politely.
The first person relinquished the mic to the second person, who spoke.
"I am depressed."
The crowd went wild. Laughter echoed to the ceilings. Chairs were thrown and fists were thrown. Even the police joined in.
I mean, what else did you expect? Such a powerful joke could elicit no other reaction.
After all, we live in a society.
IQ Test Results
Marjorie Taylor Green, Lauren Boebert and Herschel Walker went to the doctor today to have blood drawn for their IQ Test. They were all relieved when the tests came back negative.
What kind of coffee did Italians most enjoy during the 1940s?
Oppresso.
How do you carry $100 billion in laundered money to the bank?
Ukraine it
Attention at the beach
I asked my uncle, “how come your are so popular with the lady when you go to the beach?”
“I’ll tell you my secret”, my uncle whispered. “Put on a pair of speedos then get a potato and put it in there. You will get all the women’s attention!”
I did as he suggested and was walking around the beach in my potato enhanced speedo. I was getting a lot of attention but I wouldn’t say it was positive. People were avoiding me and giving me dirty looks. I happened to see my uncle at the beach and went to ask him why it isn’t working for me.
As soon as he saw me he said, “hey dipshit, put the potato in the front!”
My husband and I were chilling on the couch. Him playing a video game and me on Reddit. When he looks over at me sweetly and asks me if I want to play around.
I got excited and started leaning in for a kiss when he handed me the video game remote. I realized the importance of a space very quickly.
>!He was asking if I wanted to ‘play a round’!<