Things better not said - our best
... Jokes ...My kids were born on the highway.
As after all that’s where most accidents occur.
Flat Earth Society, I’ll give one if yous 5£…..
If you fall of the edge and record it
(Then again if this happens in your idea you would probably be killed)
Should of gambled it I’d be a billionaire
Man, a lot of things changed after my girlfriend got pregnant
My haircut, the clothes I wore, the people I hung around.
Hell, even my name, phone number and address.
My wife asked why I was whispering.
I told her that Mark Zuckerburg might be listening.
Then she laughed, and Siri laughed, and Alexa laughed.
A Father is driving home with his child in the back seat
The boy looks out the window and, seeing a field full of cows, excitedly says to his father;
“Dad! Look! Moo moos!”
His father looks angrily in the rear view mirror and says
“They’re not called moo moos! They’re cows! Say it properly!”
The boy replies quietly “cows, dad.”
They continue on their journey and a few minutes pass before the boy looks out the window again, this time seeing a field full of sheep. He gestures excitedly to them, once again invoking his fathers attention.
“Dad, look! Baa baas!!”
This time the father reaches back and clips his child on his leg (because he’s obviously an arsehole).
“They’re not called Baa baas! They’re sheep! Say it properly!”
“sorry dad” the son replies, close to tears, “they’re sheep”
They continue driving on a little longer and the father is starting to feel a little guilty and that he ‘may’ have overreacted slightly. As he is, as aforementioned, an arsehole, he is unable to admit when he’s wrong and so tries to find another way to repair the relationship with his son without ever actually taking responsibility for his own behaviour.
He looks in the mirror again and sees his son reading a book. Spotting his opportunity, he jumps on it.
“What’s that you’re reading, son?” He asks.
The boy looks at his father, then at the cover of the book, before replying
“Winnie the….
Winnie the Shite!”
If your tired of microwave meals and want a real challenge..
trying eating the plastic.
What does Cocaine and Michael Jackson have in common?
They’ve both been inside Macaulay Culkin.
What did the cannibal do after eating vegetable?
He sold the wheelchair on eBay