Things better not said - our best

Picked my friend up from the hospital yesterday...
...his missus had just given birth to identical twins. "Aww!" I said. "Who do they look like...?" He said "each other you idiot."

What do you get from a whore that turns out to be a tranny?
Sore tonsils.

What do you call a fish on a hot day?
A tuna melt.

my 5yo made up a joke! What do you call a robot that can walk and drive?
A Mobot!

Imagine being such a horrible PM
That 2 days after you take office the Queen is so tired of you, she just dies.

What do you call an African man that wont admit hes in a river?
in de nile

Why did the conspiracy theorist chick shave her pussy?
Because Bush did 9/11

What did the grape say when the elephant sat on him?
Nothing, he just gave out a little w(h)ine.

I saw a dead Sperm Whale on the beach tonight
we didn’t click at all.

I gave a homeless man $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to spend it on drugs
So I went up to him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5

Police have confirmed that the man who tragically fell from the roof of an 18th floor nightclub was...
not a bouncer.

China announces the prohibition of naming a newborn baby "Ping"
They want to get rid of the lag.

The Male Clerk & The Consumer
The Male Clerk: *picks up the phone* The Consumer: Which lady am I talking to? The Male Clerk: With the most beautiful :) The Consumer: **Oh sh-** *drops the phone*