Things better not said - our best

Gabriel’s horn or heavens key?
It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed: Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. "Oh, sister." Said the young nun dreamily. "I’ve been Saved." "Saved? And how did that come about?" Asked the old nun. "Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven." "Did he?" Said the old nun curiously. Sister Magdalene continued. "And Father John said that if The Key to Heaven fits my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then, Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock." "Is that a fact?" Said the old nun even more curiously. "At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my Heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved." "That wicked old bastard." Said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years!"

Last night my vibrator suddenly stopped working.
It was quite the turnoff.

A tomato, a lettuce and a cucumber walk into a bar.
The bartender asks the group what are they having in this beautiful afternoon. The tomato says I will have ceasar dressing to get ready to join the salad, the lettuce says I will get some croutons to join in as well, the cucumber looks frustrated and says fuck it, i never end up in a salad so I will just have some lube.

My Deliveroo delivery guy was called Jesus and had an estimated delivery time of 40 days and 40 nights
Christ on a bike

I was feeding an alligator and he took a bite out of my arm
What a load of Croc!

What’s the difference between a hooker and Winnie the Pooh working in HR?
One gives man jobs for honey.

How do you know if your dog is gay?
His dick tastes like dogshit

Morticians...
Do they consider the main part of their job to be making love or fucking?

What do you call a polar bear on the South pole and another Polar Bear On The North pole?
Polar Opposites.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset. She shouted at me and said, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”

What’s the difference between Windows 95 and a virus?
A virus does something.

My friends told me jokes are supposed to have a punchline
Stay tuned for more jokes, if you enjoyed this one

Why do men perform better than women at chess?
They all think with their penis.