Things better not said - our best

what can you say at a funeral and a harrasment
"we are here today because this person touched us in some way"

I found a bundle of dollar bills in the street. As a devout Christian, I asked myself, “What would Jesus do?”
So I turned it into wine.

I like to hold hands at the movies…
which always seems to startle strangers.

Why are city-dwelling gnomes very good at keeping time?
Because they are metrognomes.

What is the money made by an onlyfans model called?
Moonbucks

What do you call a French guy wearing Sandals?
Philippe Floppe

2 Gay lads are out on a date…
One of them is sitting too far back from the bar, blocking the aisle, so the other guy being chivalrous says: “Oh here, let me push your stool in.”

Sick of my wife, I faked my own death and immediately went to Guam
Yet there she was, fucking two dudes on the beach.

what do you do when you see a severely injured pig that requires immediate medical attention ?
. . . . You call the hambulance.

I saw the quiet kid with some graph paper today
Im pretty sure he was plotting something

I’ve been getting the finger from women for years I’m used to it…
…if they really wanna scare me try giving me a hug.

I went and saw my doctor the other day
He told me to stop masturbating. And I asked him why ? He said “im trying to examine you.”

The police took my phone
It was charged with battery