Things better not said - our best
... Jokes ...It was my birthday yesterday, and I received $500 from all the cards I opened.
I really love working in a post office.
Which professional sport has the worst return of investment (ROI) for the owners?
American football. It costs millions for a star player, but you only get a quarter back.
Why are computers always supportive towards non-traditional gender identities?
Because they have billions of trans sisters.
Fishy joke that I dreamt last night
An Asian guy goes into a restaurant and is talking to the waiter. The waiter says "I had a dream of being a goldfish last night". The guy says "are you trying to be Koi?"
How do you know someone is vegan?
Because they’ll fucking tell you right away without you even asking or saying anything
What did Michael Jackson say to the kid on his lap?
“You have a great singer in you”
What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
The letter P, without it he’s irate.
My dad’s palaeontology files are filling up the family computer
They’re hundreds of trilobites
The vacuum extractor is a device used in some childbirths.
It sucks for the baby.