Things better not said - our best
... Jokes ...I once tried to create a comedy routine based on the myth of Orpheus.
Looking back, it was a bad idea.
I stopped a homeless man from crapping on another man’s head
By buying myself a home
The police just pulled me over, and the officer came up to my window and said “papers?”
I said “scissors, I win!” and drove off. He’s been chasing me for 45 minutes now, I think he wants a rematch.
Two software developers
So, there were two friends who had worked together as software developers for a long time. One day, one of them died of a heart attack. The night after the funeral, the remaining guy had a dream in which his dead friend told him that he had two pieces of news - one good and one bad. The good news was that he was in heaven, where software developers were treated very well. They had a great workplace where the job was never boring, the tools were state-of-the-art, the bugs were easy to spot and fix, and the company took really great care of its employees.
"So, what is the bad news?" asked the other.
"Starting from the next sprint, we are assigned to the same project"
So The Mandalorian, Lizzo and Jack Black walk into a bar…
This is not the setup for a joke, this is an actual plot point in the latest episode of The Mandalorian.
The real joke is whatever the hell the 3rd season of this show has been.
My Unhinged Opinions of You Based on Your Job Profession (Pt. 1)
1. If you’re a cop, don’t touch me (but you probably will anyway, so go fuck yourself).
2. If you’re an FBI Agent, you can fuck me, but first you have to kick my door down and then chase me down the street before tackling me to the ground.
3. If you’re the CEO of a huge corporation, you can fuck me as long as you buy me a car.
4. If you work for the IRS, you can come for me as long as I don’t have to pay taxes.
5. If you’re a CIA agent, you can do whatever you want to me as long as you whisper dirty words into my ear in at least 25 languages.
6. If you work for NASA, you can have me as long as I get unlimited data and access to technology.
7. If you’re in a criminal gang, you can have my hand in marriage as long as you stole the ring during a heist.
8. If you’re a firefighter, you can have my child.
9. If you’re a member of the Mafia, you can have my life as long as you take out my enemies, too.
10. If you work for the Mexican Drug Cartel… please leave me alone.
And yes, I do think authority is kinda hot.
I just saw two hotdogs and a burger stumble out of a club, blind drunk and blazed on coke and weed. I was disgusted...
I hate to see food wasted like that. Frugal upbringing.
I like to live my life in the edge.
But still, some people might prefer to use Chrome.