Things better not said - our best
... Jokes ...Why did the man become Jewish?
He wanted to get out there and make jew friends
How do you fit five elephants in a fiat 500?
Easy! Two in the front and three in the back!
Father and Son
So there was this boy, about high school age
He didn’t have the best relationship with his father after his parents got divorced
On top of it, every time he tried to call his dad it took him forever to answer
He would call…
No answer
Call again…
No answer
But by the third or fourth call finally he would pick up
And he would always start the call with
“Sorry son I was deep in thought”
This always confused the kid because what on earth was he thinking about?…
Why was him thinking something that would keep him from picking up the phone?…
Eventually the boy just moved on with his life and left that chapter behind him
A couple of months had past and the boy had been doing well in school, getting good grades, making friends, going out to party’s.
One night he was hooking up with this girl and out of the blue he was getting a call…
It was from his dad,
He thought to himself, “fuck that”, I’m busy and finally he can get a taste of his own medicine.
So one call passed…
Two calls pass…
Three, and so on
Eventually the son picked up and started with
“Sorry dad I was deep in a thot”
And then it all made sense
Coming, ready or not!
A great way to start hide and seek.
A terrible way to finish sex.
NYU has a new branch for studying comedy in the style of 3 Stooges
It’s called NYUK NYUK NYUK
Santa came early.
But Ms. Claus was still able to get herself off afterwards.
Two Story Restaurant Waiter~
So I got this job at a restaurant that was 2 stories tall. I worked for 3 days hulking trays full of food and drink and then dirty dishes up and down the stairs. And then I noticed some of the other waiters pointing and laughing at me. At first I though something had fallen off my tray. Then this the manager took me aside and explained that they have a little elevator that takes the food trays from the kitchen upstairs to the seating area downstairs. And I had been slaving with trays using the stairs the whole time. Boy, was I a dumbwaiter.
Pulling his daughter out of the last living person on earth drained out of blood. He said.
“Thank you, mom. Humans will live.”
An old one from my dad, modernized
A man is at a bar, throwing back beers. Towards the end of the night, he throws up all over himself.
“Oh great!” He says, “Now my wife’s gonna see and she’ll tear me a new one for staying out at the bar all night.”
The bartender laughs and says, “Nah man. Here’s what you do: create a fake Venmo account, with a fake name and picture. Use it to send $20 to your real account. Then you tell your wife you were walking home passed the bar, and a drunk guy threw up all over you. So he Venmo’d you $20 to buy a new shirt. Then show her the payment as proof.”
“That’s a great idea!” the man says. So he leaves the bar and does exactly that. He tells his wife a man threw up on him, and Venmo’d him $20 for a new shirt. When she asks to see, he proudly presents the fake Venmo payment as proof. His wife is satisfied with this.
…. Until she takes a closer look, and sees a second identical payment, from the same account to her husband’s for another $20, made fifteen minutes after the first. She asks, “And why did the man send you an additional $20, fifteen minutes later?”
The man says, “Because he shat in my pants too!”