Things better not said - our best

A thief broke into my house and stole my prized thesaurus.
I am at a loss for words.

I like my men how I like my women
Sexy and without a penis

What kind of pants do goats wear?
Billie Jeans

Deaf accountant
The crime boss and his attorney meet with his accountant. “Where’s the $5 million you embezzled from me?” demands the gangster. The accountant is silent. “Where’s my $5 million?” the crime boss shouts. The lawyer explains: “Sir, the man is deaf. Allow me to translate.” Using sign language, the attorney asks the accountant about the money; the message relayed back is that the accountant knows nothing about it. Furious, the crime boss pulls out a revolver and puts it to the accountant’s head, screaming at the lawyer, “Ask him again where my f**cking money is!” “Okay! Okay!” the deaf accountant signs back. “The money’s hidden behind the old toolshed in my backyard.” “What did he say?” demands the enraged crime boss. The attorney replies, “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

I want to die like my grandfather.
Peacefully in his sleep. ..... Not screaming and panicking like his passengers.

I think I have tumor
I checked my girlfriend, exes, sisters and aunts ...... They had nothing like that between their legs

£300 for the pleasure
“Hello Mrs Palmer, I’m your husband’s boss and I’m just calling to say he’ll be late home tonight.” Eager to keep her husband’s boss happy, the wife invites him in for a coffee but when he starts to suggest they go upstairs she quickly refuses. “Come on” says the boss, “I can show you a good time and I’ll even give you £300 for the pleasure.” They were short of money so the wife agrees and the deed is done. Later that night, the husband returns home and asks his wife if she has had any visitors. “Just your boss to tell me you’d be late home” she replies. “Oh good,” he says, “and did he drop off my wage packet?”

I thought they testicle convention would be a good place to relax and unwind, but...
...it was just nuts!

I was so Mad when the Queen died...
The News ruined the ending of The Crown for me.

How did the lawyer kill a demon?
When he ate his soul.

Their was this movie about constipation
It never came out

driving test.....
there is an old man and a little baby, what do you hit? ​ ​ the brakes.

My mom told me that “the world isn’t just black and white”
She still hasn’t coped with me being colorblind.