Things better not said - our best
... Jokes ...The whole family are having breakfast together when…
The young Grandson looks over at his 18 year old newlywed wife and asks her, "Will you pass the honey, honey?" She giggles and passes the honey.
His father, not to be outdone, looks over to his beautiful wife and asks, "Will you pass the sugar, sugar?" She laughs, "Your still a charmer," and passes the sugar.
The Grandfather looks up, makes eye contact with his wife of 55 years and asks, "Will you pass the tea... bag?"
My wife said she wants to break up with me
I asked her “Why?!?”
Wife: “You keep making stupid Transformers jokes…”
Me: “Please don’t leave, I can change!”
I began carving turned wooden bowls & stair posts & candle stands,
But lathe-yness has taken hold of my time.
I had absolutely no idea why my dog was motionless for quite some time, the other day
And then I realised he was on paws.
I was on my way to school when I say a dwarf at a bus stop.
He was looking quite impatient so I asked if he wanted a lift.
"Piss off" he said.
"How ungrateful." I muttered. Then I zipped up my backpack and continued walking.
What is the difference between an Influencer and a Terrorist?
Both of them want to blow up
Getting off the powder
I’ve been 2 weeks clean now, and its starting to get really hard. I can barely go about my day now without the white, tasty powder. But i will persevere. It’s for the better of me, and of the ones around me. I’m tired of being treated differently because of the substance i consumed. And what for? Euphoria? Fuck it.
Anyways, that’s how my trip without sugar or sweets has been going, wish me luck
There’s finally a documentary on how clocks are used in water treatment plants
It’s about dam time
It’s so hot...
My chihuahua was sniffing my left ankle and accidentally got tea bagged.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms in a tiger exhibit?
Fucked, he is fucked.
We all have our “first jerking off” story
[Original]
For me, it was a day where I was home from school cause I was sick and there was nothing new on tv. All the “kids” channels had the same old cartoons. All the major networks had the same story on. It was early for sports.
Anyway, I just kept flipping til I found something til I found something different—that “something different” ended up being Girls Gone wild, uncensored. It was buried deep in the cable package.
I’ll spare you the details of me jerking off but yeah... that was where I was when 9/11 happened.