Things better not said - our best

To all the Europeans suffering from the current heat wave, here is a reminder to stay strong.
Your ancestors colonized entire countries in much higher temperatures.

Gore Vidal on marriage
My father was an atheist and my mother was Christian. They had an arrangement to respect each other’s beliefs. One week they wouldn’t go to her service and the next they wouldn’t go to his.

what sound does an american make when they suck someone off
glockglockglockglockglock

What did the girl showed to the tatto artist after getting a tattoo?
Her tit. Because tit for tat.

What did the Joker say after robbing the car dealership?
Wanna know how I got these cars?

What is the difference between a furry and a person selling extended auto warranties?
Furries never bothered anyone.

Two band members go on a date to a dock…
The boy, a trumpet player brings his instrument to play a song for his date. As the song proceeds, the crew members on all the ships begin to run away. Confused, the boy stops. A crew member from a ship nearby runs past them shouting “Run!” The two ask why. As he is running away, the sailor yells over his shoulder, “There’s terror on the high C’s!!”

I met a girl at a club the other night who said she’d show me a good time and incredibly, when we got outside...
She ran a 40-meter dash in just 4.5 seconds.

Passing of high school friend.
Eddy and I used to get our kicks blowing up stuff and destroying things for fun out of boredom in the small town we grew up in. Eddy really liked to make shapes out of vehicle radio antenas. He and I were in the school parking lot one night of a big football game when he started off bending every one he could find. I seen him cut his hand bending one on a custom van. It got really infected over the next few days, and he died! Death reported as VD! Van aerial disease!

Lol I just said this
Mom:I carried you for nine months! Me:Dad carried me longer

What do you call a black man in outer space??
An Astronaut... you fucking Racist... lol

What’s the definition of eternity?
From the time you cum till the time she leaves.

What is the only thing worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
Getting fingered by Captain Hook