Things better not said - our best
... Jokes ...Movie Box Office Numbers for December 30th 2022
Avatar Way of the Water $24,440,000
Puss in Boots $6,460,000
Black Panther $1,820,000
Women Talking $10 (one senior ticket)
The Penis Poem–by Willie Nelson
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I’ve got a full time job,
To find the gosh darn thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!!
Me and wife went to the restaurant for the first time in ages.
The Waiter said, I am sorry but we are so busy tonight.
Would you mind waiting for a bit? I said no problem.
He said well take these drinks to table. 4.
What is the difference between science and religion?
Science builds planes and skyscrapers, religion brings them together.
Password audit
During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
A priest goes to see his Bishop and asks if he would hear his confession
“Of course,” the Bishop said and took out his rosary. “And what do you have to confess?”
“Well Your Grace I used profane language,” the priest says, shifting a bit in obvious embarrassment.
“I understand,” the Bishop says. “And under what circumstance did you use the profanity?”
“Well Your Grace I was playing golf and I stepped up to the tee on a par four and I hit what is probably the best drive of my life. Long and straight as an arrow,” the priest replied.
“Well surely there was no cause to blaspheme then?” the Bishop said with a frown.
“Well no,” the priest said, “but as it flew down the fairway it hit an overhead wire and dropped down only a hundred yards away.”
“Ah,” said the Bishop. “So that’s when you blasphemed.”
“No Your Grace,” the priest said. “You see when it hit the ground a gopher popped up, grabbed the ball and started running away with it toward the woods.”
“Oh so that is what made you curse,” the Bishop said with a nod.
“No Your Grace because just as he was about to get to the woods a great owl swooped down and grabbed him in his talons and started to fly away.”
“Okay so that is when you used a profanity,” The Bishop said.
“No sir, you see as the owl flew off with the gopher, the gopher dropped the ball from the sky and it landed on the green and rolled to just two feet away from the hole.”
The Bishop looked at the priest carefully and said, “You missed the fucking putt didn’t you?”
Why did the partially blind man fall into the well?
Because he could not see that well.
(My favorite repost for my cake day.)
Why did the man driving stop at every gas station?
Cause it’s impolite to pass gas
A Buddhist, a Christian, and a Jew writen by Ai
A Buddhist, a Christian, and a Jew sit down at a bar and start bragging about who is right. The Buddhist says, "Well, we Buddhists believe in enlightenment through mindfulness and compassion, so clearly we are the most enlightened." The Christian says, "Well, we Christians believe in the power of prayer and the word of God, so clearly we are the most righteous." The Jew says, "Well, we Jews have been around for over 4,000 years, so clearly we were right first." The bartender looks at them and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
What do carnivals and pussy have in common?
They’ll both have you slobbering, face deep in pie.
What time of day is best to make a Freudian Slip?
First thing in the morning, when the Cock grows.
Two chemists went to dinner together
After they ordered, one of them told the waiter: "A cup of H2O, please."
Another chemist told the waiter: "H2O, too."
He gulped down his drink and then he died.