Things better not said - our best
... Jokes ...Today i found myself being roasted by phinnochio
His nose hasn’t moved for the past 6 minutes
What did the Android say to the two people he heard talking smack about him in the next room?
"You discussed me."
What did the yogurt say when it found out that the Greek yogurt has more protein?
"No whey!"
What do you call someone with a doctorate in carbonated beverages?
A *fizz*ician
I hate humans soo much...
As a combine harvester, I find it so difficult to put up with these humans. I have to work so much all day and all they do is sit on their ass...Nobody understands me and I feel so numb and tired.
Just needed to let this out here...I am new to reddit so I hope I am posting this in the right sub so that I can get some advice, I hope that this is not taken as a joke or something...
A guy retires and moves to the country
After decades of working in a Post Office a guy decides to retire and move to the outback, where his nearest neighbour lives a kilometre away from him. One weekend, this neighbour visits the guy and invite them to his house for a party that evening.
“but I gotta warn you” says the neighbour “there’ll be a lot of drinking there”. “That’s okay I can keep up with the best of ‘em”.
“Ah good good” he says, then adds “ but sometimes after the drinks, things can get a bit rowdy and fight or two might break out”. “Don’t worry about be mate” says the guy. “I can hold my own”.
“Goodo” says the neighbour, then adds “ and if we are really lucky later that night, we might be able to get some action, if you know what I mean! (wink)”. “Oh yeah I’d be keen for that” says the guy.
“So I’ll see you at around 8 o’clock tonight then?” says the neighbour. “Yeah, I’ll see you then mate. What do you want me to bring?”
“Whatever you want mate” says the neighbour. “It’s just gonna be you and me”.
A friend told me this joke the other day. He said:
“So I was watching Rick and Morty with Ryan and Iso. Everything was fine until Ryan started making fun of Iso for not having a high enough IQ to get the jokes. They argued and argued, and finally Iso took Ryan’s Rick and Morty poster off the wall and tore it to shreds.”
My friend pauses as if this is where I am supposed to laugh. I ask him,
“Wait what’s the joke, what’s the punchline?!”
He says “I guess I knew you wouldn’t get it. It’s esoteric.”
People say I look like my dad…
I don’t know if that a compliment or an insult.
My wife asked me to R.S.V.P. to a party my inlaws were throwing....
....so I coughed and urinated on the invitation.
An LGBQT cruising ship sinks in the middle of the ocean. Who survives?
The flambuoyants.