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Importance of a good college education
A father is lecturing his son about the importance of a good education. “Father, what’s the difference between a man with a college degree and a man without?” Said the son. “Well son,” said the father, “you can perform the same job but the outcome will vary depending if you have a college degree or not!” “How so?” Asked the Son “ You see, if you rob a man without a college degree you will be prosecuted as a criminal and sent to jail”. “What if I rob a man after I received a college degree?” Asked the son “In that case they will address you as Special Agent of the IRS.”
How many Klingons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three. One to change the bulb and two to chastise them for performing such a menial task as a member of a proud warrior race.
Coffeehouse
I tried the new coffeehouse in my neighborhood. The customer service was just awful. One of the baristas spilled a hot drink all over me. I complained to the manager, and he told me to put a lid on it.
I was at the lake this past weekend with a couple friends
All three of us were hesitant to go out on the water. There were wooden structures that stretched from the beach about 25 feet into the lake, and we decided this might be a good option to try. One friend went out on one and said “it’s fine, you’re safe out here!” The other friend went out on the other one and said “don’t come out, it’s dangerous!” As I was contemplating heading out, lots was running through my head. I could see two peers, it was quite the paradox.
How to prepare a duck
Get yourself a duck of about 1.5 to 2kg, and two large bottles of Scottish whisky, bacon strips and a bottle of olive oil. Put the bacon around the duck, and treat the inside with pepper and salt. Preheat the oven for 10 minutes at 180 degrees Celcius. Fill a large glass with whisky. Drink the whisky while the oven is preheating Put the duck on a fireproof platter and fill out a second glass of whisky. Drink out the second glass of whisky and put the duck in the oven. After 20 minutes, put the oven to 200 degrees celsius and vill 2 glazzes of whisky. Drink out the glazzes and pick ub the piecez of the first glazz Fill anozzer half glazz and drinkit. After halven our, open the ovven to cheq the duck. Fetch the burn injury oindmend in the bathrthroom and pud it on the ubber zide of the lef thand. Vill anozzer two glazzez of whiskey. Open the ovven after the first glazz izz embdy and biggub the bladder. Pud the oindmend on the inner zide o the righd hand. Biggub the dug. Biggub the dug again and use a towel to rrremovve the oindmend from the dug. Degreaze th hand with visky and biggub the oindmend dube whisj is laying onthe ground. Clean ub the brokan glazz and put the dug bag in the ovven. Pig ub the dug and open the ovve firs. Open the segond boddle of bisk and pud id straight ub again. Get ub from the fllloorr and puz the bagon under ve cabined. Geddub again and siddown aniwey. Pud the boddle on the flooj. Dring from ve boddle since the glazzez are borken or unreadjable. Switch ovv the ovven, gloze your eyez, and ffffall over. ​ Courtesy of u/Aramor42
What is the difference between Border Patrol and Jurassic Park?
The Mexicans stay in the cages
A horse, a sheep, and a chicken lived together on a farm.
The horse had long dreamed of learning to play the guitar. So the horse rings a music shop and he says, “Hey, I’d love to learn to play guitar. Is there anyone who can teach me”? The music shop manager says “That’s not an issue, let’s get you started on some music lessons.” The horse says “Well there’s one problem, sir, I’m actually a horse.” The music store manager says “Hey, that’s not a problem! I’m sure I can manage to teach you!”. The horse says “Awesome!” so he goes in to his lessons and in no time he’s rockin’ the whole farm with his guitar. One day the sheep comes wandering over. Sheep watches horse play for a bit and then says that he’d really like to learn to play drums, and can horse recommend anyone who can teach him? Horse gives sheep the number of the music shop, and sheep dials the number. The music store manager says “Hey, no problem, I’ll teach you to play drums! How about we set up some lessons?” The sheep says, “Is it going to be a problem if I’m a sheep?” The manager says “Not a problem! In fact, awhile ago I taught a horse to play guitar, so it shouldn’t be too hard to teach a sheep to play drums!”. So the sheep goes for his music lessons and soon enough, he’s mastered them and he and horse start jamming together in the stables. One morning sheep and horse are rocking the hose down when chicken struts past. Chicken is very impressed and tells horse and sheep that he’s always wanted to learn to sing, and could horse or sheep recommend anyone? They both tell him about the music shop and the chicken decides to call the music shop. So he gives the shop a call and tells the manager that he’s always longed to learn to sing, and could anyone help him? The shop manager says it’s no problem, and when is he free to come in for lessons? Chicken says, “There’s just one small issue”. The shop manager asks, “What’s that?.” The chicken says, Well...I’m a chicken.” The manager says “That’s no problem, I’ve taught a horse to play guitar and a sheep to play drums, so I’m sure I can teach a chicken to sing”. So chicken takes his lessons and in no time at all he’s the best singer you ever heard. He and sheep and horse decide to form a band, and start playing together, and even writing songs. One day they’re smashing it out out in the stables when they decided to record a video of one of their songs and upload it to YouTube. The song ends up going viral. It’s so popular they release more videos, and soon they have a massive fan base. They all decide it’s time to embark on a world tour. At the airport, as the plane is about to board, horse says “Guys, I need to use the bathroom, I’ll catch up with you two before the flight leaves.” Both the chicken sheep board the plane, but horse takes too long in the bathroom and misses the flight. As horse is waiting for a new flight, he’s watching TV and a news story tells him that the plane sheep and chicken were on crashed and both chicken and sheep tragically died. Horse was very upset about losing his two closest friends and decides to go into the bar across the road and get a drink to drown his sorrows. He walks in and orders, and as he’s sitting at the bar drinking, the barman looks at horse and says “Why the long face?”
Three philosophers walk into bar.
Three philosophers walk into a bar: a nihilist, a fatalist, and an absurdist. They all are served an empty shotglass, which they dutifully and gladly accept. The first two stay sober but the absurdist still gets hammered.