Things better not said - our best
... Jokes ...They say that there is a women behind every successful man!
I was horny so as usual I watched porn and jerked off, then I had the guilt so I searched how to become successful,
They said behind every successful man there is a women
Because success is measured in terms of money, and once you get enough sex the only thing remains is money.
I once knew a midget with erectile dysfunction
Sadly, his life was extremely shortcoming
Buying a fridge
Sales guy - "so this fridge is $4300"
Me - "what is the difference between this one and the $3900 model we were looking at?"
Sales guy - "about 400 dollars"
What did the clock say to the metronome after his stand-up routine?
The jokes need some work, but your timing is impeccable
Why does Anakin Skywalker hate Metallica?
Because their biggest songs are Enter Sandman and Master of Puppets.
A joke my nephew told me recently... Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their ass quack
We’ve had a breakthrough!
A tortoise makes an appointment with his therapist
“How’s everything going?”, she asks him.
“Oh, you know, same old… can’t get laid to save my life. My mom’s crazy, she says I’m a shut-in, that I should get out more. But I know these fake turtle bitches are all full of plastic, they even like being choked with straws. Nobody wants a nice tortoise anymore, it’s gone out of vogue!”
“I see”, said the therapist, “I think your mother isn’t being entirely rational. You’re not a shut-in. You are an inshell.”
A guy told me he could throw a stick a mile and his dog would run out and bring the stick back
... but I thought it was far-fetched.