Things better not said - our best

why did the sperm cross the road?
Cause I put on the wrong socks again.

What kind of stone do you need to evolve eevee into a ghost type?
Easy any stone can do the job, just remember aim for the head

Bloke goes for a drink with his missus
“Pint of lager please Dave, and a white wine for the old donkey” Barman Dave raises and eyebrow and serves the drinks. An hour later. “Another pint of lager please Dave, and another white wine for the old donkey” Dave raises eyebrow again and serves the drinks. Anyhow this goes on all night, so when the bloke is the toilet, Dave goes over to his missus…. “Excuse me love, all night your fella has been referring to you as ‘the old donkey’” The woman laughs… “E-aw, e-aw e-always calls me that!!!” (a pun better spoken)

My grandpa died in 9/11…
He was one hell of a pilot though.

A pirate is not born
They are berthed

I asked 100 women what their favorite shampoo was. The top response was...
What the fuck are you doing in my bathroom?!

I asked my wife " Why are there broken condoms all over the sofa again?"
She replied "Please call our children by their proper names"...

Dude explaining how he made his first $10 million:
1. Get up at 5:00AM every day 2. 90 minutes of cardio 3. Take a cold shower 4. Journal 5. Schedule out your day 6. Dad owns Fortune 500 company 7. Meditate

How do you re-use a condom?
You shake the fuck out of it

Neo-nazis don’t praise Hitler
They praise the man who killed him

What do you call a group of minors at an anime convention?
Child prey

Did you hear about the new ban forbidding women from swimming in the ocean?
They’re trying to keep the stink out of the fish.

Your mama so horny
African kids use her as their supply of water