Things better not said - our best

Did you know piranhas can eat up the body entirely upto the bones in 45 seconds ? Me neither.
Anyway, I lost the job at the aquarium.

I put out a poll to see if anyone out there was interested in insect based burgers.
All I’m hearing is crickets!

Did you hear about how the Chinese defeated Ghengis Khan?
They found a chink in his armour.

I searched for "lighter" on Google today and it gave me a thousand matches.
From Jack Rhysdier on his Darknet Diaries podcast.

A young priest is new to a confregation
And he strikes up a conversation with a young nun. He tells her that on his studies in The Vatican he’s come to understand an important teaching that’s been neglected. Basically, it turns out the kingdom of heaven is sealed with an earthly lock. Luckily, men posses the key and women, the lock itself. These tools are conveniently located between the legs of said men and women. The naive nun falls for it and they vigorously open that lock. He urges the nun to be quiet about it, it’s hard for folks to understand if it’s not explained carefully. A few weeks later he tries the same thing on another young nun and it works. Another soul saved! After a while the two young nuns can’t contain their excitement and reveal their saved status to each other. Unfortunately, the older and more knowledgeable Mother Superior overhears and confronts them about this. They nervously explain the story to head nun who turns red with fury. “That son of a bitch!” she erupts. “What, Mother? Is something wrong with what Father told us?” “You’re god damned right there is. He told me that was Gabriel’s horn and I’ve been blowing it for the past month!”

When you clean a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner
So if I show someone a shower, do I become a shower?

What do you call a group of scared cows?
Cowherds

Did you know about the time I chatted with the holy cow?
It was an udder worldly experience.

I saw this dude pepper spraying a chicken
I was like damn dude, that’s fucked up. I’m no vegetarian but that just seems cruel. But its all good. It was just chuck norris preparing some chicken bbq. It’s dumb. Just thought of it but I’m pretty drunk. Someone work this into a better joke please lol

Why do divers always jump backwards to enter the water?
Because if they jumped forward they would smash their faces with the boat.

The most disappointing video call ever. [OC]
A bit of background: I (M24) occasionally like to browse various dating apps for spontaneous hookups. Nothing too crazy, just see if anyone is available and meet up for a bit of causal fun. Yesterday evening I was really in the mood for some action, but sadly it was pouring down rain and not worth the effort of either going out or convincing someone to brave the storm just for some sex. I was in my room doom scrolling while debating on pulling up some porn when I remembered that one of my friends had recommended this new website that was like…. The best way to describe it is if Tinder and Omegle had a baby. It’s called “So Far” (their tagline is “so far, yet so close” and I can’t decide if that’s clever or lame) and the idea is that you match with long distance dates to have a dirty video call. I made an account and looked through profiles for a while and eventually I matched with someone I thought was hot, and I guess she thought so too. After a brief chat we hopped on a video call, and luckily it was actually this girl in the pictures and not a catfish. I was super lucky that there was minimal awkwardness in getting started, and pretty soon things were getting steamy. She got up close to her webcam and began taking her clothes off, and oh man did I hit the jackpot with this virtual hookup. Needless to say I was quite excited in more ways than one. She leaned in and whispered that she wanted to see what I had to offer. Which was great because I was ready to go. Just then, a huge bolt of lightning tore through my neighborhood with a thunder clap that shook my windows. It scared the ever living shit out of me. Not only that but the power went out. My online sexy time was cut short by the stupid storm. All this to say, I tried “So Far” and got so hard, but in the end, it didn’t even matter.

Last week, My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her Wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.

The Stork family comes home at the end of the day
The storks sit down for dinner. Mama Stork says "Father Stork, what did you do today?" Father Stork says "I was out making couples very happy. What did you do today Mama Stork?" Mama Stork says "I also was out making couples very happy. What did you do today Baby Stork?" Baby Stork says "I was out scaring the crap out of college students." (Cultural note: in many cultures, a common myth is that storks deliver babies to mothers instead of mothers giving birth)