Things better not said - our best

A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar.
. Rabbit: I think I’m a typo.

Two guys are stuck in the desert.
Close to death, lying down and waiting for the inevitable. When all of a sudden one says, “Hey Bill, do you smell what I smell? I’m sure it’s bacon!” ‘Yes, Bruce, it smells like bacon to me.’ So, with their last resources of energy, they crawl up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. Bill races towards the tree. As he approaches, there is a rattle of machine gun fire, cruelly cutting him down. “Bruce, go back!” he cries as the life ebbs out of him. “It’s not a bacon tree. It’s a ham bush!”

I have good news and bad news.
The good news is that there are no bad news. The bad news is that there are no good news.

Have you ever tried Turkish food?
You oughtta man!

How do you know if an ant’s a boy or girl?
They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles!

A man prays every day to win the lottery.
He goes into the Cathedral every day and prays his heart out. "Please let me win the lottery! PLEASE let me win the lottery!" Finally, he hears a big, booming voice that says, "Do your part! Buy a ticket!" So this is why people gamble. So God can answer their prayers.

Today I will be ranking the Alphabet in alphabetical order!
abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz

I refused to believe I was gay and dyslexic.....
I was in Daniel.

What’s the difference between a cult and a religion?
|cult - religion|

Kanye west is no longer Yeezy. He’s now know as
Yeet-y

Where did the drunk owl end up?
Owlcoholics Hoooononymous. Ironically my ex-wife ended up in rehab for alcohol abuse less than a month after coming up with and telling her this joke.

It took me 39 years, but I finally understand. When someone says "hold your horses" what they mean is...
Be stable.

When I was young, I set a life goal for myself: I will buy a Lamborghini at the age of 40. This year, I’ve finally achieved half of the goal.
I turned 40.