Things better not said - our best

My doctor’s all mixed up
He grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

My girlfriend told me to put tomato sauce on the shopping list, so I did.
Now I can’t read it..

What do you call a group of lawyers at the pub?
A bar association

What do call a man with no arms or legs in a cupboard?
Herb

Why are arsonists fun people to be around
They light up the room every time they enter

That poor florist…
He could only grow Onelips.

I got drunk at an AA meeting
The details are a bit fuzzy but they said I was the life of the party. They want me to come back every Thursday.

What do you call a terrorist attack in the Middle East?
A selfie.

It’s illegal to have sex with minors…
… but God has been fucking me over my entire life. r/atheism moment r/redditmoment

What does Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common?
They both painted a ceiling.

How to kill two birds with one stone?
With a hunting rifle

Vampires love to bite throats, killing people & then returning them to life
Because vampires are neck romancers

Do you guys prefer to call 8 males and 2 females as 8 males and 2 females?
Or do you guys prefer to call them 2x(4y+x)