Things better not said - our best
... Jokes ...Why are ghosts not welcomed in other people’s houses?
Because they’re uninvited guests.
Cats or Dogs ?
I prefer cats, But if I was really hungry I might have a dog.
When does a bad smelling firebird accompany a magician?
When you say the 5th book of Harry Potter in a british accent.
Harry Potter and the (Odor) of the Phoenix
I bought my wife 12 dozen red roses but I don’t think she likes them.
She said that’s gross.
A dog and a cat are arguing about who is more important to humans
The dog says: “I’m so important they even named a body part after me, their K9 tooth!”
The cat says: “You’re not gonna want to hear this”
Paddy and Murphy are chatting.
Paddy: "My mate came off of his motorbike today."
Murphy: "Oh really, Is he okay.?"
Paddy: He has brain damage, 2 broken arms & he is blind in one eye.
Murphy: "Fucking hell, no wonder he came off"!!!!
My friend asked if it would be crazy to say the word “stun” backwards.
I told them it’s nuts.
my wife told me to stop making animal metaphors
she thinks it makes me a bad person
she should get off her high horse
I watch a lot of tv
My favorite shows are blackish, twin geeks, and lesbian.
I watch them on my favorite channel—Incognito mode
Be first
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, "Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait."
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."